Ways to support your trans partner who isn't ready to come out yet

tips from someone who has had support

Let me remind you again that I have no background in therapy beyond having done piles of it for years. And my background in being trans is one I’m sharing because it feels good to do so given that growing up I didn’t have that. So take whatever comes after this paragraph with this warning: I do not claim to know what I am talking about, but I do have thoughts and share them freely.

I came out later in life (in my 40s) and I had and still have very supportive partners. They have ben supportive publicly and at home and ALL OF IT has been necessary in getting me to the point I’m at today. Even where I’m at today is still a work in progress.

I did an anonymous Q and A on Instagram recently and during it someone asked if I had any tips for how to support someone who has a partner who is trans but only feels comfortable being out at home currently.

My automatic feeling is not to feel sad for the person who is transitioning and not yet feeling safe to do so in more places than their home even if my default is to relate to them very strongly and try and project my own feelings onto them. Transition at any point I imagine, is difficult and potentially scary. Transitioning later in life, when you have an established career, family, social network, is very difficult from both the social and physical perspective.

You navigate what it is going to be like to tell people you might not want to have to tell, you worry about potentially needing to find a new job, you worry about relationships and who might not want to be part of your social circle, you might wonder if the physical transition will be significant. I feel proud of this person for navigating through these feelings on their own time in these situations. I try hard to not put my own worries about my onw transition into their heads.

If you are a partner of someone who is navigating transition slowly, what you can do with them is wait with love. You cannot rush the transition or help them get to any goals they may have in their heads any faster on your own. You can’t even get them to share what those goals may be without them feeling ready to tell you. Those goals right now may feel unreachable or silly or unfinalized. Vocalizing them may feel too hard right now. Remind them that there is no rush on your part, listening is always going to be there from you.

So if your partner wants to dress in dresses or suits around you but not at work, try not to focus too much on what’s keeping them from wearing them outside of the house, but on what is keeping them feeling comfortable with you. Be gentle about it, compliment them on the things they have told you feel good for them, sit with them when those things aren’t feeling good. Let them lead the way on things almost every time. Do not try and push things to move faster even though it is hard to watch your partner go through times like this.

So a few things I can think of that you might want to be mindful of in this situation:

• Remember you are creating a wonderful and loving space for them to be themselves. This in itself is so beautiful and special.

• Cry with them if crying is what’s needed. You don’t always need to have a solution for a hard time because sometimes the hardest thing is just not having a space to talk about how hard things are. Sometimes it’s just about being able to talk about things you’re worried people will laugh at.

• Listen regularly. If there’s something they keep sharing with you that feels good at home, keep encouraging it at home.

• Have a little bag for all the things that feel good. If it’s makeup, have makeup in there. If it’s masculine clothes, have some of those in there you can pull out when the moment feels good for them.

• If one day they say to you, I’m ready to start transitioning socially, be ready for everything that’s needed for you in that. Listen to what’s needed and what social transitioning looks like to them.

• Be ready for a lot of changes and step forwards and step backwards because the step forward felt too big and they need more time before they actually can go forward with it.

• Keep your own journal of how you are feeling. This will bring big hard feelings for you too and you deserve to have your feelings written out as well.

• Take care of yourself and make sure your partner knows how you are feeling too. Being part of a transition journey might bring up questions about yourself too.