Seeking others

I've let community slip so many times and I hope I stop that soon

As I wait for an email with a date for my procedure I try to calm myself by endlessly scrolling Instagram. As you might expect, this frequently has the opposite effect and I often leave feeling terrible because the world is on fire in every way and looking forward to things feels awfully hard when everything is burning around you.

But, every so often, I come across others preparing for their own procedures or milestones or changes in their transitions. It is so meaningful and freeing to watch other trans and gender non-conforming folks go through their own journeys and experience the happiness that can come from being affirmed through surgery. It’s amazing to watch someone try on new clothes for the first time or to share their nerves the night before a surgery. It makes me cry watching someone else cry as they see the results as they unwrap bandages.

These moments make me feel immediately happy and excited for myself. Then moments later, feeling low and questioning things once again. It’s hard to not find shame in feeling joy when there is so much sorrow and sadness and destruction all around you as well.

It’s also probably pretty important to not swim in the sorrow when moments of joy do come up. Or at least some therapist out there might tell me that the two things can exist at the same time. It’s important to find community who are also able to witness and see and experience sadness and destruction and not ignore it. It’s important to also let these people see the unapologetic joy you feel.

I’ve let community slip from me almost every time opportunity has presented itself. I have turned down so many hang out opportunities with people I desperately want to hang out with. I don’t know how to interact with people right now. I don’t know how to feel comfortable enough to not make other people uncomfortable. I just feel, sad I guess.

Transition makes me happy, it just does. I feel good about what transition does for me and I want more community to share this happy part with. I want to support their sad and more than anything I want to experience their joy as well.