I'm trying to be gentle with myself because I'm not the best at being trans

there is no best or worst at anything, we just show up different

I’m, trying to be gentle with myself these days because I’m struggling with the idea of being good at anything. Or maybe I’m struggling with being as good as other people at anything. This, obviously (to me, because I’m not a brain scientist who can claim anything is obvious to anyone other than myself) is a byproduct of having access to a phone that gives me a view into the lives of other trans people who are so good at makeup, so wonderful at putting together an outfit, so disciplined at going for a walk with their cats in the morning, so wonderful at taking a shower in the morning, so capable of doing their hair, so vocal about issues taking place around the world, such experts in their fields of work, so pretty, so this, so that, so the other thing too.

They are, as my brain puts it, better than me at so many things.

This feeling of others are better is one of those overwhelming ones that only gets worse the more you don’t deal with it. And the problem is you don’t always realize it is getting worse until all of a sudden it is infinitely worse. You see another trans person thriving and doing really well and that is a good thing so you expose yourself to it more. But you (or I) don’t always realize that you are applying an element of you doing badly to them doing really well. And like I mentioned up above, when you start layering this on with different pieces of your life (hair, makeup, dressing, personality, career), one can really leave themselves in a rough spot.

This leads nowhere good, I can confirm that. There is nobody who is best at anything, and if there is anyone in your life, either someone you know and interact with directly, or someone you just see in your little pocket television/phone/camera/dictionary/encyclopedia who is leaving you feeling gross or yucky about any progress you are making, then you need to lessen the impact that person has on you. See them less, talk to them less, watch them less. That is being gentle.

Being gentle is taking the time you need to realize there is no better, no matter how long that takes. Maybe it’s giving yourself space away from your phone, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s extra sleep one weekend, maybe it’s just saying to yourself over and over again that there is no better, there’s only a bunch of different bests. It isn’t easy work, I know it’s not as easy as saying there is no such thing as better. I’m going through it and it’s been a long time for me.

Some days, I have more energy to confront these things and can be a bit more active in how I manage them. I can wear dresses I want, I can put on makeup I love, I can have my hair in braids, I can share pictures of myself online, and can eat dinner out. These are days I am being gentle in a much more public way. Other days being gentle looks like not shaving my hair or shaving for the first time in days. Neither show of gentleness is better. See how that works. Even for ourselves we don’t show up as best or worst, we just show up different.

Making it through a day as an adult is a way bigger accomplishment than I ever thought it was when I was a kid. I thought every day I would be making groundbreaking discoveries or publishing books. I guess the closest I came to achieving what I thought adulthood was, is sneaking candy and chocolates at all times of day. I know now just how much energy it takes to live.