I'm starting to love my body, now what?
it's my body and I'm ready to show it off
I have been going through a phase recently. I like writing it this way because people always love to talk about how being trans is a phase, being queer is a phase, knowing who you are is a phase, etc. etc.
My phase is that I am loving my body and that has not always been the case, not by a long shot. It wasn’t even the case six months ago and the only reason I’ll call this a phase, is because I’m not sure what I’ll feel like six months from now.
But, getting to spend any time loving and expressing my trans body is damn phenomenal. It brings me such joy to want to share myself with everyone—partners, friends, queer community, and other people who just don’t see trans people all that often.
We are taught that our bodies are for ourselves and nobody else, that sharing our bodies is bad. Sex negativity is terrible and couple that with transphobia and queerphobia and you get a hell of a hatred of yourself and fear of putting yourself out there. Are you an adult sharing pictures of yourself in adult spaces? Amazing? You deserve that without shame. I’m moving forward doing that without shame. There is nothing about my body I am ashamed of.
It is two days later and this feeling is already fleeting a little bit, this is how quickly these things shift. And I can tell you, it is not because I think I look any cuter or hotter today. You read about trans bodies and their exclusion from spaces and the need to eradicate transgenderism altogether and it’s hard to not want to hide even just a little.
But, it also makes me want to share myself a little more. It makes me want to reclaim all the time I didn’t have growing up to share the body I wanted to have, to get everyone to acknowledge that I am taking up space in a way I deserve, and more than that, in a way that I want.
Bodies like mine, and bodies that are bigger, and bodies that are Black, and bodies that are hairy and bodies that are shorter etc, not only deserve to be seen, we need to be seen. And you need to look, you need to know our bodies exist, you need to know we are real people.
It is the next day and I’m back in lingerie again and feeling sexy. It is such a wild experience to go through these ups and downs with my own body and I wouldn’t change it for the joy I get when I’m in my “the world needs to see this goddamn body I’m growing” modes. I am proud of being able to change in my 40s, I am grateful for getting to do this in my 40s. I want people to see this is an option.
I want to show off that I am cute and hot. I presented as a man for YEARS and people thought I was cute and hot and I WANT THAT now! This isn’t being showy, this is just showing off. Or maybe it is the same thing? And you know what, who cares? The idea of getting in touch with sexuality and love of my body at the same time as I have become more in touch with my gender identity has been absolutely amazing.
So, if you are here for this, welcome, I am here to share. And if you aren’t, well you better acknowledge that whether you are attracted to me or not, this is a body that deserves to be shared.
