I'm as lonely as I've ever been

Is it the depression? The meds? The transition? The aging? Everything?

*warning about mention of self harm and suicidal thoughts below.

I have never felt loneliness like I'm feeling now. It's a difficult loneliness to talk about because I don't feel like hearing “that sounds hard,” and “I understand that even if I don't experience it,” feel like great responses to it.

I expect the loneliness is simply a combination of borderline personality disorder paranoia combined with perceived transition rejection combined with seeing old pictures of myself combined with changing anxiety and depression meds combined with the perception of being undesirable at my age and this aligning exactly with transitioning combined with being sick combined with watching a genocide combined with so many things.

But this loneliness is heavy and scary.

It's not a competition of loneliness. I'm not the most lonely person. My loneliness doesn't compare to yours. It's mine, it hurts.

It leaves me with such a huge sense of what am I doing anything for just to keep getting more and more sad and rejected.

I never know if I should write or share in these moments. I wonder if they are an alternate me I can navigate through on my own. I don't know who to talk to about these things. I see a lot of my pain reflected in other transfeminine people but our mental health and stages in life are different. I relate to other people with bpd but who don't really get the trans part. I feel rejected over and over even if it's purely perception and every time I take action to make things feel better, it takes days for my brain to tear it down.

For all the “that sounds hard” pieces of advice I want to shout back between tears “even if I spent years explaining it, you wouldn't feel the rejection I'm experiencing now so why do we bother?”

I shared a story on Instagram about passive suicide, the idea of wanting to die without having a plan. No ideation, just walking around leaving fate to deal with us. Passive suicide (not wearing a seatbelt, not looking before crossing the road), along with self harm, are what get me through days. My arms and breasts show the marks of moments I just couldn't hold on any longer and needed a release that was more extreme than I'd like. This is with the amazing support I have.

I am tired and lonely and that gets worse every day. I don't know where to put this. I don't like being the older, sad, depressed, trans woman, but I don't like pretending to be joyful either.