how to talk to your kids about trans people
some simple ways you can all get better at understanding trans existence
I am thinking there may be a disconnect for some people about the idea around trans people and who trans people are. That trans people are scary, or that your children being trans could be scary and seen as some sort of failure of yours as a parent. There is also some incorrect information out there that there is a need to wait for a child to grow up before they can be approached about gender diversity and being trans.
I’m hoping that by getting to some of these, I can help clear up some of these for the people who may be less angry about trans people and instead are just scared because they lack information. Yes, the information exists out there already from doctors and psychologists and yes they continue to share this every time people try to use scary words about trans people existing. Still, I’m hoping my gentle, non-academic words may help explain this a bit.
Trans people are extremely varied and if there’s something that connects most of us (the non-Caitlyn Jenner’s of the world whose privilege allows them to support hateful politicians because it helps their finances) is that we are just living our lives trying to maneuver through bathroom laws, name laws, pronoun laws etc. just trying to be ourselves. The fear you have around trans people comes when you talk about being afraid of trans people. You can talk about Donald Trump and Elon Musk being hateful and scary because you see them being hateful and scary every day. When you simply “imagine” the idea of trans people being scary because you have heard they are, not seen this happen in any way, you spread incorrect information. As a parent, be aware of the difference of what you are doing.
Your child coming to you with news that they are having questions around their gender is a huge testament to you giving them choices and freedom over themselves. Guiding a child through a transition is a privilege and it is hard. It is hard not because your child is trans, but because so many institutions have been built up to fear children being trans. You being a supportive parent of a trans child increases their chance of living. You making it easier for them and pushing governments to change their policies makes it easier for children in the future to keep living.
There is no such thing as too early to talk to kids about trans and gender-diverse people. We exist as soon as they are born and we can be part of a child’s life as soon as they are born. I remember when I was a young (er) parent hearing the term “age-appropriate” a lot. This tends to only come in to play when we are talking about things that older white men have determined are very scary topics. Things like sex and trans people and racism and abortion and police violence and school shootings. After a while you start to realize that these are all things that not only can you talk to kids about, but that you absolutely must talk to kids about. We only think we can’t talk about these things because we have been told forever that there is a right and wrong time to do it. In reality, there is just a use of language that you need to access to have all these talks with kids. You don’t need to have an academic lecture with your 2-year-old to let them know someone who once was their uncle is now their aunt.
Learn with your kids. A lot of the first few pieces here are predicated on the idea that you too can learn new things. It will take more work for you as a parent because you have been faced with years and years of opposing ideas about trans people on social media, at family dinners, in movies, at work, and just about everywhere. So while you talk to your kids about the simple idea that trans people are real and deserving of care, you have to simultaneously be unlearning a lot of things you have picked up along the way. The good thing is, there are so many trans people out there who have shared resources on these things and unlearning can be done.
Help kids understand that access to gender-affirming care is the same as all the other elements of medical care people receive. Gender-affirming care is one of the most proven life-saving pieces of care we can offer someone, yet is talked about as one of the least important, and the most often banned elements of care we provide someone. Putting aside for just one moment the idea that we need to change the way healthcare is provided to everyone (free, accessible care for all without insurance company or government intervention), treatment for gender-affirming care needs to be thought of not as something someone is doing for fun, but as something is doing to save their lives. How you talk about this with kids is important. It shapes how they grow up viewing medical care.
