How much can a trans girl take?
Am I angry or sad or do I just want to be able to use the bathroom?
People have written about ways to remove gendered language from your vocabulary before. I think I have shared things like this that impact me daily and how those terms—-ones like sir and Mr. can be removed from your language in all situations as far as I’m concerned.
Bur recently we went on a family vacation, kids, partners, and all, and it was a realization that no matter how many pieces are written about these things, service industries and formalities in general are built on gender.
One minute…
The next…
All I can really do right now is share the impact these moments have and tell you that they happen so many times every day. I can’t keep asking for people to change things, I CAN share how shitty it makes me feel and how hard it is to manage through a world where, put simply, some of the best cases, is that people don’t care.
Because really, the middle ground when it comes to trans identity doesn’t feel like people like you but don’t love you. It feels like they just don’t care at all and don’t want to do anything. They are ignorant of you and will work that way and think you are a man but won’t say anything hateful about it. Best case is that people make mistakes and correct them and show an interest in seeing who you are. This really does feel nice. I have grown to thank these people when they pop in to my life. To swim to the edge of the pool and to thank them for being the first person to gender me properly.
It is tiring. I can’t make people care or want to see people for who they are. I can’t make you see that my life is about being me, that is it. I just want to be the person I have seen in my head since I was little.
I understand that for many people looking to gain power I am giving it to you, but every time you talk about men in women’s spaces, you make it harder. Not because I think I’m a man in a woman’s space, but because you make people who are that really clueless neutral think I am harmful. I can’t keep fighting that, I just want to not cry about using a bathroom. I want people to not look at me. I want to be the world’s fastest bathroom user. I want to get a seat at the restaurant and just be asked “would you like something to drink?” without any honorific. I just want to be a person who gets seamlessly integrated into your world.
People do not make me question my desire to transition further. People make me question the safety around it. Your ignorance makes my life so so hard in so many ways. If you don’t care, I can’t do anything about that but continue to cry.
I understand people can’t care about and dedicate lives to everything, I can’t care about and spend effort on everything how in the world could other people, why in the world should other people be expected to? I just want you to know that the way you don’t care really doesn’t feel great. Are there kinder ways you could not care maybe?
Ok, I’m going to go do some self-compassion meditation. Sorry.