how it feels to be the one to panic and cry at the party

when you realize you're more than an introvert

I've seen many memes of people standing in the corner at a party thinking about how the people there don't know what they're thinking. They are thinking about how they would maybe rather be home with their cats, or thinking about an escape strategy or a Star Trek episode. Or memes about how anxious people are about attending plans they made when they were in a high mood. There are many memes about social anxiety

But what if you’re not the one who thinks these thoughts in the corner? What if somewhere along the way you became the person who ends up alone in tears and unable to think when you go out?

As a serial party leaver who ends up panicking in bathrooms at house parties or in hallways at weddings or wherever the social gathering may be, it is hard. It is scary. It is embarrassing. It really isn't as cute as the stories of just wanting to be alone as an introvert are made out to sound. And it is really never the hosts fault or the fault of the people there with me.

These are the things I feel and think

How do I go back out into a party when I've clearly dissociated in front of people and then cried? How do I reassure people it's me, not them? How do I even leave the party? Will there ever be a time that social outings will feel ok again? How are they getting worse as I get older? How was I ok one minute and so far gone the next?

I don’t know how to explain the moment everything starts going wrong other than to say I just disappear mentally. It takes a while to be able to move from the space where I realize I am blankly staring at a table or a glass to the point where I can at least notice something is wrong. I feel like somehow I am the one person that doesn't fit in that space no matter how much proof there is that I do indeed fit in that space. Why am I so different ? I can find no similarities or ways to fit myself back in to this space. And from there it becomes bigger, if I don’t fit in this space is there a space I do fit in anywhere?

It’s then that I can start thinking about finding a place to go sit on my own so I can fidget without bugging people or being noticed or questioned. Maybe to stare at my phone or maybe to just cry and think, as mentioned above, how did this all happen again?

It isn't your party's fault, I feel a need to reassure you of that. I've been really lucky that the last few times this has happened to me in the past few months, I've been surrounded by understanding and loving people who have given so much space and needed no explanation. It is really helpful to have that after these moments because the need to apologize and explain the next day or week or forever is so overwhelming.

For a long time I thought it was just introversion making these interactions feel hard, but there is more to it than that. I don’t know what all it is beyond the social anxiety and other things I have been diagnosed with but I do know there are some things I can do to manage these moments a but more gently.

Know it can happen. Again

I guess I go into these hoping they won’t happen when I maybe should know they might. It isn’t a failure to not be able to make it through a social event. You don’t need to be the life of the party or the last to leave to have had a successful event. Define what going looks like for you. Is it being there and saying hi? Is that enough for you to have been “successfully there”?

Have an exit strategy

For better or worse, know how to leave and know it’s ok if it isn’t after four hours or if you’re the last ones. You can tell hosts or close friends you are comfortable talking to that you may be making a quiet exit and that if you do you will message them later that you are safe. Do this while you are still feeling safe and good.

Rely on your people

I am lucky to have people and persons who sit with me and knock on doors to check on me when I disappear. And in these scared moments I tell them to stay while I leave because ruining things for myself feels like enough, but they don’t let me do that. Make it part of your plan to at least TRY to rely on your people and let them help you.