how do you recover from being called a slur?

or can you? or should you? or why do you? or how are you today?

I attended an event about trans hate recently. Considering the topic, I actually had a really nice time. I don’t go to events very often any more even though in a past life
I used to speak at them quite frequently. So, it felt good to be around people again. listening to other trans women talk and feeling the urge to speak in front of people for the first time in a while.

There were lots of topics discussed as you might imagine. Or, I hope you might imagine because I hope you are aware of the current (and honestly the history) of hate targeted at trans people. And one question brought up towards the end got me thinking, because it seemed to be unanswerable for many: how to you recover from being called a slur?

It is kind of terrible that being called a slur is part of the territory when you’re a trans woman. That this can be a universally asked question and people will nod their heads and be able to call up an instance where this has happened to them whether they are an activist or a communications person who sits at their desk typing all day long, is really awful. But here we are and this is indeed the case and pretending it isn’t does not answer the question.

Since I started writing this post it feels like things have gotten even worse for trans people which is wild because I started this about two weeks ago. But honestly, the speed at which anti-trans legislation and sentiment is increasing is absolutely horrifying and terrifying. Writing how-to guides on how to not feel awful for being who you are feels really hard. But if there is anything transition has taught me, it is that the trans community has been very kind at developing resources for itself. Being able to continue to add to this in some small way by sharing what sometimes works even a little bit for myself is about as nice as I can feel about this.

So how do I personally recover from being called a slur?

Ummmmm.

Well, I’m going to make a plan for myself because currently I do not have very healthy mechanisms in place for bouncing back.

It is important for me to recognize that these things are hurtful and it is ok for them to feel hurtful. I don’t have to admit that someone is “winning” just because what they said was mean and frustrating. It doesn’t mean that what they said has any validity either, it means that there is pain and that I’m allowed to feel hurt my what people say and to acknowledge that in order to move away from it.

I thought about adding using an edible here and I still might do that if I can find the right one. Because often using an edible can put me in a space to see who I am and where I am going in a way that I want to see, not they way I envision others seeing me. But, if it is the wrong one, I end up a shriveled panic person and that’s just not the place I want to be when I’m already feeling down about myself.

Another risky but worthwhile thing for myself is to dress up in things that I enjoy for me and to share that to a close friends list on Instagram. Curate one that means a lot to you with people who will be safe for you. Explicitly tell those people what that list is for and let them be a part of that with you. If people don’t want to be a part of that experience that is ok, but make this the best most safe spot to just be hot!

Use community to help you. I'm feeling a bit sad with this list because I'm realizing how hard so many of these things are, but we get to define and set what community means to us. Is community one partner? Is it two? Is it a close group of friends? None of these are wrong answers and ultimately whatever you need your bounce back community to be is what it should be. But use them, tell them you're hurting, let them send you donuts or memes or whatever it is that makes you feel loved.

Write down some reminders in advance that you are a supreme and wonderful human being who doesn't deserve the shit you've heard. You don't owe any time justifying why they may hold the views they have or why they'd say what they'd say. I think I get caught in this stage a lot of the time, thinking that if I just justify the reason why someone says something, then maybe I can figure out how I can get through a crappy experience. But I don’t owe them and their crappy views anything when I am working on my own brain. I don’t have to think about Kid Rock and his violence when I am reassuring myself I am an amazing person.