He's a cat and he knows me better than almost anyone

animals and how they help us every day in almost every way (kind of)

So many things happen in my life that I later think back on and wonder, how in the world did that become such an integral part of my life? How did I ever survive without such a thing before it arrived?

Like do you have an animal? Maybe a dog, or a hamster, or birds, or my goodness, a cat. A big fluffy, long haired, orange cat?

Pets, and in my case the big orange floof I just tried to make you picture in your head because everyone deserves to think about my Woofin, can be such a source of love and care. Yes, they can also poop on the floor and wake you up in the middle of the night and steal your soup, but they provide such big things in big moments.

I just want to talk about those things a bit and how it really is important to acknowledge how big these moments are. It can be hard to tell if Waffles, or Woofin, or Woof or Stroopwaffles is more a mental health support or a transition support animal. The point of that delineation is really like that Pam from The Office they're the same picture meme. My mental health and my transition are interrelated in a way that can’t be separated and my big floofy boy doesn’t care. He just comes and sits on my shoulder and chest and tummy every day no matter what my feelings are and stays there as long as I need him.

Pets can listen and be there for you when you cry and there is not a worry about how you are going to leave them feeling. Maybe this is unfair and maybe I should have a therapist for my dear feline buddy as well. But Woof looks at me with his silly sleepy face and his sprawled out legs and just suckles at my shirts while I tell him how hard things are and it makes no difference to him. He just wants pets and access to shirts and shoulders. And from him, I don’t need much beyond his fuzzy paws being all over me and the comfort of his body resting on me. He doesn’t need to tell me things will be okay and he doesn’t need to reassure me about anything. He doesn’t need to tell me electrolysis won’t last forever or my hormone levels are fine.

I can share these things that are really hard about my transition with him too. Once you get beyond the idea that it is odd to share deep thoughts with a fuzzy feline or whoever your chosen companion is, it becomes really freeing to just share things you do not want in your head any more. They are a safe space for hard thoughts about how I don’t like my nose or my hairline or shaving my legs all the time. I can talk about surgeries and tattoo ideas and hairstyles. Waff doesn’t care.

So what are some of the things waffles sees that are a bit transition related? Well he sees outfit change after outfit change. He has seen me try makeup looks and wipe off makeup looks that have simply not worked. He has seen me practice my vocal training course and the really silly warm ups that come with those. He’s seen me look at my body in our slightly too small full body mirror and try to gauge what changes hormones have brought on. He has listened to me question whether they have changed anything at all. He has watched me try, and fail, to braid my hair. Woofin has seen a lot and has curled up through it all and complained through none of it and made me feel unsure of myself zero times.

It would be nice if he took a bit better care of his nails so they didn’t hurt so much while he made his cat bread, but listening wise he really has his skills ready.

He does just that, puts pressure on my chest and listens. Like I can see it in his eyes as he walks towards me that he is going to get up and me for a nice long snuggle. Anyone who has met our Stroopwaffles knows his cuddle look. I can tell when I am laying in bed or on the couch pretty much unable to do anything more than that, that he is sneaking onto my shoulder. I doesn’t matter what position I find to lay in, he will find a way to make it near my face and lay on me. And never does it feel intrusive or unwanted.

I should also make mention that we do have four other cats. Sugar and Cookie and Linus, and our newest boy Puff are all really good cats too. They are all special kitties to each of our family members I promise. And I do love them all. But with none of the present with me recording, well Waffles is and I want to get bonus points with him anyway, I can safely say that there is something different and special between him and I. I have a few cat tattoos at the moment, four in total I believe at the moment and one of them I think was a flash design meant to recognize your special cat. But I got really scared my cats might be able to read or something so mine now says I love my cats even though in my head I know it is a woofin tattoo. One day I think there is a waffles hand tattoo to be had that’s kind of inspired by the Kitten Lady who my daughter watches on YouTube for kitten research and who a partner of mine really really loves but for now I will stick with what I have.

Ok, I might be lying just a little bit. Puff, our newest boy, has been an absolute dream and falls asleep on me too. And while we haven’t had long enough to bond to Waffles-levels, look at this puffin and tell me he isn’t the snuggliest most affirming bean in the whole word.

While I was away getting some inpatient treatment for my mood disorder I was away from my snuggle buddy for seven weeks. It was awful to not have his comfort. Partners sent me stuffed animals that looked like him, I made sculptures that looked like him in art therapy class, and talked about him when one of the other people’s therapy dog showed up in class with us. Needless to say, my woofin was present always in my brain as I tried to work on ways to calm it.

He came up in a number of ways as I worked through processing moods and depression and anxiety as well. Like many people and their pets, I looked at ways I could turn to him as a soothing source in my life and as someone I could turn to when my brain was looking to go to more dangerous places.

In my personal safety plan, petting Waffles is a legitimate action I have written down. He comes into play when I reach my mid to deep depression stage. “Pet Waffles” I have written down beside my blue SUDS numbers. SUDS are my subjective units of distress scale and help me identify when I’m getting more and more depressed or anxious. I have noted that having waffles near me and with me can help hold my moods from getting worse. It may not always help them get better, but people who have slipped into spirals will know how nice it can feel to not fall further.

I tried briefly to look for stories on animals supporting other trans people in transition. A lot of articles popped up about animals and their own gender journeys but not as many about how they play a role in our transitions. This could be a sign that there needs to be more research put into the area of trans people and their love of support animals or it could be a sign that I was very lazy and did not research this properly. Given the lack of proper research on trans people, that is certainly a very possible option. Given that I know how I only used google for my search, I also know that I did not research very well.

Learning opportunities!

We do have a family friend who have a non-binary dog who uses gender neutral pronouns that the whole family uses as practice for being able to get used to using non gendered terms for people. When we visited in the summer we got to do this too with the puppy and it was such a fantastic way to get to understand how we are so conditioned to gender things. You can do this in your house too. Animals are a great way to help your family learn. They are here to help us grow as people and this is just another way they offer their love and support to us as a way to do that growing. I find this example of companionship just beautiful and our friend Nick is also the most beautiful person in the world anyway.

Testing out names!

In our relationship, I love when people talk about waffles going to his mama. It's a great feeling to be woofs person like that. I like the term mama and in this situation it is a really nice one to hear. As part of transition, these words have big meaning and there is a lot of complication around them. With pets, like the ones I talked about above with pronouns, there is an opportunity to feel and hear terms that might feel right for you. You can try things out and your little furry babe doesn’t really care. They don’t have to give you feedback on what feels right for you, they just need to be that space where you can say words out loud and see how they feel in your head. Then just give them wet cat food and pets and at the end of the day that’s what’s really important to them.

I used to read articles about people getting mad when people would call their pets their fur babies and compare them to kids and such. No, they are not the same thing. But hearing that term during my transition in relation to this wonderful animal who is so caring and kind is such a reassuring feeling.

It feels hard sometimes to accept it even. How could this really beautiful boy keep wanting to come back to me, someone who struggles so much and who cries so much as his mama? But back he comes time and time again.

Waffles is not a therapy animal. Waffles is not trained in any way. He simply is a cuddly little cat bear who is just himself in the most aggressive way. I appreciate that there are so many service animals out there who do so many things for their humans and those animals are just such perfect companions and those bonds are something I cannot imagine having with a pet.

But this little talk is for all the people with their little or big Waffles out there. The puppy that climbs in your lap when you are having a hard time getting up in the morning or the kitty that licks your toesies after a long cry that comes from nowhere.

I do imagine that if there are other gender affirming surgeries for me in my future that woofin will be a very big rest and recovery companion. The idea of him not being there as I lay in bed watching Hallmark Christmas movies as I heal up is unfathomable. I know there will come a day when there is no waff with me any more but as I move through this transition time in my life, I get to focus on the joy that he brings and the friendship that we get to share.

Yes, he is a cat. No, that does not change how much I am going to share that he is beautiful and handsome and my special guy. For as long as we're together this is what he'll be to me.