Happy Mother's Day trans moms

a predictably prickly look at thanking trans moms on a day celebrating birth

Little confession for you here—my kids don’t, and never have called my mom. This isn’t that big of a confession since I have talked about this before, but given what I am about to write about, I thought it best that I get that out of the way. Motherhood and the idea of being a mom is just not something that has driven my transition, nor is it something that is a direct need of mine.

That being said, trans women can be celebrated as mothers.

The post could, and probably should end at that very simple thought, given that that very simple thought it all that should need to be said about the issue, but, of course, when I dared share the idea that trans women would feel excluded by cis moms on Mother’s Day, cis moms predictably came out in droves to talk about why trans parents should not take up space as moms.

And so, I must write more than that one simple thought. Damn.

Moms are special. People who give birth are freaking amazing. But even just the idea that only women give birth is wrong. Trans men give birth too. That is just factual, they do. As badly as cis women want it to be a special moment only they get to hang on to forever, it simply isn’t. That doesn’t make it any less amazing that they have given birth to wonderful little human babies though, and that’s the thing. That other people have mothered or birthed in a different way than you isn’t suggesting your individual experience isn’t amazing.

Motherhood is vast and that’s what makes kids who have moms very lucky. Adoptive mothers are also great mothers, and so are queer mothers who did not carry and give birth to their children. Those people are still mothers, and not only are they mothers, they can be very good mothers, even if they did not give birth to the children they are mothers to.

One particularly wild statement I got, from someone who signed themselves off as a child of a trans parent, was that a trans mother being recognized on Mother’s Day “would be disrespectful to the parent who did not transition,” and that “you can choose to live your trueself but respect that there are consequences of those choices.”

I honestly don’t even know how to process the meaning behind these thoughts. That transitioning means subjugating yourself to cis people? That you can be your “trueself” but that means making sure you don’t disrespect the ruling class cis? Consequences to transition only happen because others make those consequences happen. Things like needing to struggle to find a bathroom, struggle to have your name changed on official documents, struggle to travel because the government revokes your documents, struggle to walk the streets without being misgendered. Family consequences don’t have to happen.

There are those in power (do they almost always happen to be white and cis? Yes, that is very frequently the case) who fear diversity in any form. It is dangerous for them to allow anyone to break their idea of what it is to be a family, and even worse, what it is to be a happy family. But sadly for them, trans women are moms, that’s just how it is. Unwed trans women are moms. Single trans women are moms. Queer trans women are moms.

Perhaps it is being queer or being trans and outside of what many see as a typical family structure that helps us see that motherhood goes beyond giving birth. That while that is a wonderful and beautiful part of being a mom, it is not what makes up the entirety of being a mom. Giving birth is not what makes one a woman nor is it what makes one a mom.

I’m comfortable knowing this will anger people. I am ok knowing this will make people call me a man even more than they already do and that me saying trans women can be moms will be used as an example of how I don’t know what it is like to be a woman or a mom. I am as excited as I have been in some time to explore a topic like this.

I believe with all my heart that being a mother is more than giving birth, that it is the process of raising your kids with care and kindness and listening to them and being with them as they grow up. I believe it is showing them that being their parent is more than the moments of carrying them to term and birthing them and being celebrated forever for that moment. I love my mom who did give birth to me, I love the mom who gave birth to my kids. I think what they did to give birth is more than I could ever do. I am also grateful to be a part of raising kids after that moment, and believe those moments are meaningful.

I want all the trans moms who get to hear “I love you mom” from their kids to feel loved and not fearful or worried about the consequences the world needs to impose on them for being called mom.