gender, what is it? where do I fit?

why I hope the world crumbles as gender does too

Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Pink, blue, toy cars, toy dolls, Dora the Explorer or X-Men, gender reveal blah, blah, blah.

The relationship with binary thinking is such a hard one to detach from. It is there from day one and since I just mentioned gender reveal parties I guess it’s there before day one even. Much of the world is in love with gender even though they have no idea that they are. Or if they aren’t in love with it, they depend on it. They depend on it to decide who does what job, who gets paid what, who should marry who, who plays what sports, wears what etc. So much of the world and the way the corporate capitalist world specifically, works, relies on gender existing. It would crumble without it.

And it probably should. I hope some time soon it does.

In my unique (I just mean everyone has a very different relationship with gender and not that I’m the only mid-40s transfeminine person in the world!) relationship with gender as a transfeminine person in transition both socially and medically in my 40s, I have experienced one puberty already. What I am going through now really is basically a second puberty. There are changes I’m experiencing in my body like breast growth and fat distribution and I cry all the time (although this is something I have often done). There is A LOT that is going on because of the hormone replacement therapy medication I’m on is making that happen. But, it does not reverse a lot of the things my body has gone through already.

For me and with my body, you will find a lot of what will give your brain “man!!!!” cues. That won’t change even with my hormone medication working as hard as it can and my electrolysis hurting my face as often as it does, or my wardrobe being turned over as quickly as limited budget allows. Many of these things will exist in me no matter what changes I make to my own body. And remember, these changes cost a lot of money and take a big toll on not-very-easy-to-access mental health services too. What I’m trying to say is that if your brain wants to find man gender, your brain will find man gender in me.

Really, we are trained to look for cues and to use these cues to place a gender on someone. How deep is their voice? How long is their hair? How tall are they? How broad are their shoulders? Is there any sign of facial hair? Is there a bulge in their pants? How do they walk? Honestly, I could go on for paragraphs on things we don’t even know that we know about gender cues.

We look for whatever we can find to help us understand how we think we are supposed to interact with someone else. Because not only do we have cues on how to guess a gender, but we then have ways we are supposed to interact with a gender depending on what we have determined.

Of course, I realize that I myself am culpable in holding up binary in assigning feminine traits to things. What about where I’m going in my journey is the feminine part? Is it the makeup I’m wearing now, the boobs, the clothes?, the earring I’m putting on today? I understand none of these things equal gender either so how in the world do we ever escape gender?

I take responsibility for my role in this and whether it's fun for you to hear it or not, you need to minimize the impact your daily actions have on people who don't fit rigid gender norms. You don’t have to be a Matt Walsh or Jordan Peterson to make someone feel unwelcome or unseen. While there are certainly differing levels of discomfort one can create, there is responsibility in everyone to unlearn a lot of gender nonsense.

You see it in transition pictures all the time too. Before and after pictures promote the idea of passing as a goal. And for many, passing is a goal. For many, the safety of passing is imperative. Not passing is extra dangerous and puts one at even greater risk of violence. I have added layers of privilege that help me too. I am white, I am middle-class, I am housed. And as much as it may cause dysphoria, being able to pass as a man can help me navigate through dangerous man situations if I have to go into boy mode.

Do I want to pass? Is passing a goal for me? This is such a hard question and honestly it is one that I feel is difficult to answer truthfully. I do want to pass, or I think I do. I don’t want to be seen as a man, I know that, and while gender is seen the way it is, in such a binary way, the way to not pass as a man, is to pass as a woman.

I feel validated when people use she/her pronouns for me but inevitably I have difficulty believing a lot of people see me this way. And this is why those moments of euphoria or the moments I validate myself feel so freeing and nice. When I look in the mirror or see myself in a selfie and don’t see pronouns or gender but see how pretty I am and the way my body is shifting and just feel good.

There is a reason I like to carry the they in my pronouns no matter where I move in my gender identity or how I express myself. I like that when I am around people with a greater understanding of what it means to be a nonbinary trans person, I can use they and not be seen as a man. If this sounds confusing, it is because it is confusing. Gender is confusing. Relationships with gender are confusing, especially as you learn, or unlearn, more about it.

But, I also like to keep pronouns to she/her in spaces I feel like there is not an understanding of how to remove binary thinking around gender. I don’t want they being used as an excuse to not see me as a transfeminine person. Simply using this pronoun doesn’t feel like enough to me to show an understanding of just how much I want to remove binary from who I am and when I say transfeminine I don’t translate that directly to woman.

For all the dislike I have of navigating life in a gendered world, I acknowledge it is something I have to do. So, I might as well do so as mindfully as I can. There is no one way to do this but there are a few things that can maybe be done to slowly shift the waters a little bit.

Share your pronouns first

I hate pronoun discourse just a little as you may have seen up above. It is difficult to explain how personal a word is and pronouns in email signature can be an easy out when someone is looking to do the bare minimum. So at least make them really meaningful. Introduce yourself with them when you speak to new people. Make those cis people around you uncomfortable when they DON’T share theirs.

Buy queer things for everyone

It isn’t just the 43-year-old trans people in your life you should be thinking of buying rainbow goodies for. Everyone needs to see that queer people can and do exist everywhere. Gift any kids in your life books that have trans and non-binary characters, support queer artists, own queer art, just be really mindful please of what you buy and show people that we are alive and deserve to be, ok?

Learn how to google things

But not just how to google what you want to find out. It is really important you don’t turn to someone to ask them questions about their entire identity and existence. You can learn a lot about gender non-conforming or gender diverse people without delving into their lives. But look for information already written by people in these communities sharing their experiences willingly and by people who have done research on our communities. As mentioned above, do not go looking for Matt Walsh information because he has high search engine optimization on trans terms. He is crap. A lot of hateful people write about these things without experience on these things.

Like, listen?

Honestly we all know ourselves best even if our identities change and shift often. This includes kids and 80-year-olds and everyone in between. I know believing other people is difficult and it is always more fun to add opinions to discussions and add an “are you sure about this?” but doing identity work is very consuming and needing to explain over and over that we are sure is very hard. Just listen and believe and be happy for people who know these things about themselves.

Stop. Voting. For. Crappy. Politicians.

Yes, you see the word inflation and you think you need to vote for someone who wants to stop giving support to anyone who isn’t white and straight. But don’t.

Of course it is hard for us to imagine a world where gender isn’t something we focus on in a person. It is hard for us to imagine ourselves and how we interact with others without gender. We have been raised this way, we have been told there is no other option.

It is a slow climb out of this but it is very much needed for a lot of people to be able to live comfortably and safely.