dressing and living for the trans eye
the long road to recovery from the male (and cis in general) gaze
I don’t want to focus on cis-attractiveness any more. It is killing me. It is ruining my day before I have gotten out of bed. It is influencing makeup looks and haircuts and the food I eat and the way I exercise. It is devastating.
Trans attractiveness is just different. It can be free of the pressure that everyone else exerts. But it is not automatic. It does not come freely or easily. It takes work to get rid of years of conditioning o think you need to dress not only for the male gaze but also to pass in the minds of other women. And to look woman enough or man enough to be safe walking down the street alone.
But it’s other trans people I want to show off for. I have a whole different audience I want looking at me and seeing me and recognizing me and the transition I have gone through. There is something unique and special about knowing the difficulty and beauty of being trans that other trans and gender diverse people can see and that cis people cannot. I can’t keep striving to be understood and loved and impress people who cannot possibly understand the uniqueness of what it is to be a trans woman.
So I want to dress for the trans gaze, which is much more loving and caring and sexy and understanding. And, it means I dress for me and I put on makeup for me and I style my hair for me. This isn’t a Pride month endeavor to feel better during a month when there is more attention paid than usual to queer issues. It is a matter of survival for the other months when people elect governments to enact laws that destroy us.
What are some of the things I’m trying to do to make this easier for myself:
Follow more trans people on social media accounts. These don’t have to be influencers either, just follow people who have a better understanding of what my life might feel like even if they don’t know exactly what is happening from day to day.
Follow fewer is models/influencers/artists. Remove anyone I am already following who leaves me feeling less than. Definitely leave any influencer or artist who seems to think their looks or platform is more important than talking about genocide. Maybe this isn’t related to transness, but maybe it is. I hate these people so much.
Make lists of those trans people and spend time looking through those when things feel hard AND when things feel good. Share your own pictures to those lists as well.
I have a trans care bag for myself for times when the cis-community acts like assholes and creates unsafe spaces for me. Last time this happened I went home and wanted to take off my makeup and dress and I don’t want to do that any more. So my bag is filled with makeup and nail tools and perfume and hair elastics so I can sit with the bag quietly and make myself feel good for myself.
Listen to gay music or music that makes you feel good. Dance to it, sleep to it, scream to it, rest to it, draw to it, do what feels good to it.
Do these work all the time? No. Will they work for you? I don’t know. But I know I need to do something for myself to shift the narrative in my brain that I’m not enough for the spaces I walk in, work in and love in.