Daily Journal: facial feminization surgery

it follows you everywhere

By now, people may be aware of the term deadname. This is the name you were given at birth. Many people keep these throughout there lives, many trans and gender diverse people do not. People change their names for all kinds of reasons of course, some of them happy, some of them less so. But names get changed often.

Having been going through the process of changing my name legally for some time now, it is not a process free of roadblocks. You need money and signatures from people you do not really know, but who the government thinks are trustworthy enough to speak for you. You need people around you to give permission to make the change. You need to write your old name over and over, and when that is a dysphoric experience for you, it is not pleasant. For me, this process is ongoing because I can’t find a birth certificate to prove who I am so I need to get a copy with my old name so I can get a change to my new name. It is so frustrating that you want to cry. Or, that you want to stop with the process altogether.

But today I got a call to confirm my gender affirmation appointment, with my deadname. It was such a hard thing to hear about such a positive appointment.

I go into “old me” mode in order to be able to make it through times I know I’m going to hear it. In the airport is where it happens the most, but any time I have to hand over a health card or drivers license or use my credit card I ready myself just in case. I never hated my name, I just don’t want it tied to transition or who I am becoming.

This is just a ramble against electronic reminders I guess. Robocalls that pull legal names instead of preferred names. My guard isn’t always up and when it isn’t and I hear that name for a big situation like this, it does take the joy out until I can regulate.

There are queer organizations that offer support for those looking to change their name and who are having difficulty navigating the complexity of it. That's me and I think I'll go this route. Blessed are those supporting trans people.

Onwards now to the appointment, where I’ll be on guard, and hope to hear my name.