Daily Journal: facial feminization surgery

I clicked send on my appointment request

Ok, so after all those questions I had the day I got my quote for the procedures, I proceeded to be fairly convinced I would not move forward. But why? What was the exact reasoning for not wanting to?

I think I didn’t want help from anyone to do this, and help is definitely needed in order to proceed with something so big and expensive and so in need of physical and emotional care afterwards as well. Not shockingly, I am not good at asking for support or receiving it without thinking there is significant repayment owed.

In the end, I know I want this. I do want to do this for me. I want to allow myself to look the way I envision looking. I want to stop looking at things from a regretful perspective and to look forward to things that are still available to me.

• I know I look beautiful now. Having this procedure to help myself see that beauty that you see is something I'm allowed to have for me.

• Despite what others think about how I look, I am the only one who moves through the world in my body and experiences the world in my body. Despite the love some may have for my body, I am tired of moving through the world in this uncomfortable way.

• Having this is going to feel fucking fantastic. It’s just going to be amazing on the other side. I don’t want to justify that or minimize that.

And, it’s ok to need help. Financial, emotional, physical, all of it. We live in a time where nobody can do anything without community. Governments and corporations have made it impossible to afford anything without help from banks or lenders or crowdfunding or pushing things off “until another time,” or convincing ourselves we aren’t worthy of care.

Community care like crowdfunding and mutual aid is so valid in a time where governments don’t care. Accepting care from family (chosen or other) is a powerful act.

I got help. From multiple people. I could not afford this on my own.

I deserve it. If you are looking for something like this, you deserve it. Help, support, care, attention.