Daily journal: facial feminization surgery

it's all paid for, surgery day awaits

Holy moly, I just paid the nearly $25,000 for the surgery in a two-part, two-day payment from my credit card because I do not even have a credit limit high enough to pay this all at once.

More to the point, it means this is paid. More to the point still, it makes this official to a level that my brain is not really, really processing. And yes, I am now nervous. Nervous for the drive there, nervous to be alone in the operating room, nervous for pain, nervous for the drive home, nervous for the first time I see each piece revealed for the first time, nervous for crying, nervous for not being able to shave for so long.

But also so, so excited. It is just spectacularly real now. Each time I put on makeup now, it’s like I’m putting makeup on a pretend face that won’t be there in a few days now. Not in a good way or a bad way, just in a way that knows there’s going to be change in way I have wanted and that now I’m kind of only hours away from.

So now I wait for calls from nurses with times I go in, and final details on what to pack and what to bring for after my surgery. I have three weeks booked off of work to recover. There is immense privilege both in being able to have sourced money for this procedure and to have vacation time to use for this so that I can heal without rushing to get back to work before I am comfortable.

I am lucky to have a partner who will care for me at home and be with me when I am sad and happy and feeling all the things I will feel. I am lucky to have a coparent watching the kids while I get better and checking in to make sure things are going ok and who has been a part of this transition throughout. I am lucky for kids who love me throughout this and parents who support me. Brothers who call me sister now and friends who cheer me on.

Really, it’s just time to cry.

Ok, if anyone wants to send my carrot cake or lasagna (I guess more lasagna, thanks mom for the first batch!) I’m accepting all food, even though I’m probably not going to be allowed to eat much solid stuff for a bit.