Daily journal: facial feminization surgery

age, aging, getting older, my body, transition, ugh

Aging, right?

It isn’t something I have known how to deal with even in the most calm of times. In the most transition of times, the estrogen and progesterone and cyproterone days, it is a wild, wild ride.

I am simultaneously going through a prolonged puberty as these meds change my body even a couple of years in to hormone therapy, and also going through midlife crisis as my brain and body start to slow down on me.

This is something I think about all the time and also try not to think about as often as possible. The what if I had been able to do this 30 years ago? The how would my body have received hormones before a puberty took control of my body? What if? What if? What if?

These thoughts aren’t right or wrong, the just exist. My life to this point has brought me wonderful things and wonderful people and family. What I live with isn’t regret, it’s wonder. Trans wonder.

This year I turn 45. It’s very much an age I thought of as an “old” age when I was a kid in elementary school. For whatever reason, I remember waiting at the bus stop, thinking more than a child maybe should, about what the line for being old was. As someone under ten, it was 30 that I thought that number should be. 30 was the transition from youthful to old. 45 I never even imagined, that was ancient.

And now, I’m finding out more about myself at an age I thought of as old and it’s a real mind bend. My body does feel old in ways. I am aging, I can’t deny that part of my life and that that is part of my transition. My hair is greying, my bones are creaking, my back often hurts, and my muscles don’t bend like they used to.

So I’m in a very special place. I’m young and I’m old and I get to treat this point in my life in a way that is unique to me. Be fun, be cool, embarrass my kids with outfits I wear, use life lessons I’ve already learned, have fun with makeup, this is my life.