Daily Journal: facial feminization surgery

the joy of finding joy you've dreamed of

Tiny bits of joy hit sometime. Huge bits do too. I find these moments a lot in getting to dress up now as the woman I dreamed of when I was a teenager. Trying on clothes that felt like I wanted to see on me and then taking them off before anyone could see me. Dresses, shoes, bras, pantyhouse, it all made me feel extremely beautiful. And nobody knew.

I don’t share that I did this outside of therapy sessions but here we are. And now, half a life (and lots of therapy sessions) later, I’m sitting at my couch in pink lingerie typing a journal entry.

Sitting in the couch in pink lingerie tonight has come after lots of play with clothes. Dresses, skirts, bras, these have all helped me access my transness and improved my relationship with what gender and its presentation.

Now that my wardrobe is made up more of the kind of clothes I dreamed of as a kid than they are of the kind of clothes I wore most of my adult life, I look like I come from about three or four different generations. I did, after all, miss on on a few decades of dressing how I wanted. So I’m making up for it. I’m happy to wear the most mismatched outfits possible. I’m happy to wear big earrings. I’m happy to stick out.

I want to be sexy and not care what my body looks like at this stage in life. I want to be fun in transition, to wear what feels happy and that meets my expectations I had of myself 25 years ago.

I’ve rarely “dressed my age” so why try and dress to do anything else either?