Daily Journal: facial feminization surgery
Surgery is mine, if I can afford it
It's not been daily, I get that.
But I've now been to my consultation and I now have a quote for a procedure. Six hours of surgery, could be scheduled some time soon. Open brow lift, rhinoplasty, upper lip lift, chin contouring, anaesthesia, day surgery. Home by the end of the day.
$24,747 + a little facility fee I'm not yet sure of.
If I come up with this, it's mine to proceed with.
The idea of writing this journal or diary was to be honest about this process. That includes the cost of these procedures. That includes the feelings that come up when I see them.
Some thoughts:
I can probably somehow take loans to make this work. I have no savings, but I am privileged to have access to loans and credit that would likely grant me this.
This is so wildly untrue for so many people. This is such an impossible number without governments who prioritize care for trans people.
I don't want to borrow from people who can hold this over me and regret sharing funds with me.
I have offers of support that are not made with regret and yet I worry this level of borrowing will lead to relationship distress because of it.
I don't want to take money from people who don't believe this surgery is good and needed for me.
I have convinced myself I don't deserve this and can move forward without surgery now that I know the cost and consider it insurmountable.
My goodness, the amount of other things that could be supported with this amount of money.
How much more money will I need to borrow over time for electrolysis and future gender affirming procedures? How is this at all sustainable?
As you can see, not a lot of these are happy, joyful, can't wait to move forward thoughts. Money, and other limitation tied to these things are very real considerations in life. Gender affirming care doesn't happen outside of everything else.
I am not worried about the physical pain or the procedure at all. Dr. Cormier was extremely kind in walking me through each, and even watching through procedures like mine on my own time, I'm not concerned about complications or of what might happen in surgery.
I realize too that I don't need to decide anything immediately although the worry about spaces being taken and waitlists potentially forming and a spot disappearing does loom. But, if the money isn't there, and this isn't for me, then it isn't for me.
I am grateful for the speed and the gentleness this care has been provided to me so far. There hasn't been pressure to proceed and nothing has been difficult around accessing what I have to this point.
But it is foolish to pretend this amount of money isn't a roadblock for so many. I've talked to happily at times about how this feels and about how hard it is at others. Seeing this is another part in that journey and sharing this is part of my experience.