Daily journal: Facial feminization surgery

i am allowed to imagine hopeful outcomes

While almost all of the four things I’ll be undergoing (rhinoplasty, upper lift lift, open brow lift, chin contouring) are relatively subtle, they are still surgeries and therefore come with risk.

As I have mentioned before, I actually have relatively little fear about the procedures themselves. I am more excited than anything at this point and just positively cannot wait for the weeks to come afterwards. I think for the first time I’m really starting to look at this as a complete picture instead of individual pieces. It isn’t just a lip lift or just a browlift at this point, it’s all of these things that will make up a more me, me.

And holy shit is it exciting.

Just a few hours ago I talked with my therapist about how it is difficult to allow for the possibility for there to be joy at the end of something like this. It’s only difficult to do that because allowing for joy means opening up to allowing for the possibility of sadness. And I have always found it easier to plan for sadness and to prepare for that than it is to allow for that possibility that this might make me feel good.

I guess it’s time to try and allow for that possibility.

This could be amazing. I can wake up and things could feel absolutely refreshing. I don’t need to spend equal time preparing to hate results. I don’t need to spend hours preparing to justify getting this procedure to people who don’t support gender affirming care. I am allowed to envision happiness for myself.

I have spent so much time thinking about this over the past few years specifically that I haven’t truly spent time with the idea of it happening and life with this procedure done. And now it’s here.

I hate the idea of putting so much pressure on one affirming procedure to turn so many things in my life around, but I am just so proud of making it to this point and being able to do this at all. This isn’t small. This isn’t a little step. This is so big and important and I can’t talk enough about how proud and amazed I am for any decisions trans people make about any single piece of care for themselves.