Birthday gifts to myself that cost nothing

giving discomfort that doesn't belong to me back to others

I watched a video from my amazing friend Dr. Dolly Jenkins about cis discomfort around trans people and oh my goodness it was so refreshing.

I struggle so badly with not making cis discomfort with me my own discomfort. I don’t want to correct names or pronouns or ask about bathrooms for fear of making them squirm. And do they ever squirm. But why should discomfort be mine when all I’m asking is that someone say my name? Or someone give me directions to a bathroom?

It is a huge shift to go from I carry the discomfort to YOU carry the discomfort. And it is YOURS so why shouldn’t it be this way?

I can be understanding of discomfort, after all, you may not interact with many trans people in your day to day life, but to be able to move forward living my life in a way that centers me in any sort of comfort, I need to stop at understanding your discomfort and then expecting YOU to move through it. That could mean we have an awkward staring contest as you pull yourself together and say “Emme” or “she” or “the bathroom is right over there. No not there, that’s the stairwell, not that’s the kitchen, yes right there, the room that says bathroom.”

I sat with my therapist and talked about this. I asked if we could set a deadline for me to correct someone if they deadname me or use the wrong pronouns or call me sir. I hate holding the discomfort myself and I know it gets harder for me to break this every time I don’t correct someone.

I turn 45 today, March 26. I have facial feminization surgery soon, April 23. I don’t want to carry things I don’t have to with me beyond these dates, and other people’s discomfort with me using a bathroom or having a name or not being a dad are exactly those things.

I am going to gently tell someone, “actually, it’s she.”

It could be you I guess and if it is and you feel uncomfortable, that’s life I suppose. I want so badly to apologize for that discomfort, but I’m not going to. It’s not mine, I can’t hold it any more.