Band t-shirts and high school girl me
reconnecting with the high school girl I picture myself being
I came out as trans in my 40’s but I was dressing up in the clothes I wanted to and putting on makeup in my teens. Back then though, it was only me who ever saw these things. The clothes were changed and the makeup came off well before anybody could see me how I wanted to be seen. This was in the late 1900s, when bands like Soundgarden, NIN, Pearl Jam and yes, Nirvana filled my compact disk player as I avoided talking to anyone on the bus.
And another yes, I was a band shirt wearer. I didn’t have an overly eclectic collection, but I wore those shirts in my rotation until they fell off my skinny teenage body. I would stand at my locker in oversized pants, oversized T-shirts, baseball hats low on my face, and a silly little goatee on my chin getting ready for every single school day. I can still vividly remember myself in these situations—not as a one-off experience, but as an everyday experience.
As a gift to myself—specifically to that teenage me who held onto feminine me in secret for so long, I came up with the idea that I’d get myself a Soundgarden t-shirt and a Nine Inch Nails Downward Spiral t-shirt. There are some nice things I do for myself as I continue through the transition: I go to therapy, go on walks, buy myself clothes on occasion. I have even done big things like undergoing facial feminization surgery and starting hormone replacement therapy. But this is almost always for present me. And still, I feel sad that transition for me started so late.
This is my way of giving something to much younger me and helping me remember that in many ways, my transition started much earlier. It is such a nice, tangible way to engage with a part of myself I had always thought was lost to the past and like it was a completely separate aspect of me that was a trillion mirror reflections away from current me. As an older person transitioning, you don’t have to abandon your younger self or feel complete sorrow for the teen years when you didn’t have puberty blockers you now fight so hard for others to access.
I can hold hands with her this way. See her at her locker in high school, place her in a math classroom or on the school bus. I don’t picture the interactions with other people around me, it’s just for me, just to place me in these moments in a more pleasant and peaceful time. This is the most practical thing I can give her beyond Doc Browning myself a time machine and going back to help myself in the mid-90s.
Admittedly this may not be for everyone. High school, or any youth experience may not be a time you want to go back and think of placing yourself. In my scenario, I feel safe placing myself in these moments just for me. It’s funny in that strange way that looking back on things can feel funny, that placing myself in a big baggy shirt as a trans girl in high school just feels right. I see myself wearing it almost as a dress. I see myself in black makeup and bright red lipstick. It fits. I have no problem closing my eyes and seeing Soundgarden on my body. I feel safe.
As I read through this, I need to clarify something. The idea for this t-shirt purchase was mine. The idea for this teenage gift to teenage me was mine. But Hannah was the one who made the purchase while we were out in Toronto for a concert and shopping for the day. Similarly, a few Christmases ago, Andrea bought me retro toys like a girl Wrinkles pet and cute neon jewelry from the 80s and 90s I missed out on in my boy-dominated childhood. I have been lucky to have people in my life who see the importance of connecting with the person I was before I knew transition was available to me.
And…
Since I did not spend my own money on this little gift for myself, I want to pass it on to some other trans cutie who wants to place themselves in their youth in some pleasant way. So if that’s you, leave a comment below and I’ll randomly choose one trans person (please let’s encourage trans people only to participate in this self-funded fun) and I’ll buy whatever piece of your youth you are trying to recapture for yourself. If you know this person, share it with them, if you are this person, let me know what that piece was for you!